A Short Love Story About Bestia In Downtown LA
38-year-old Ethan is desperate. He’s all but given up on landing a girl but his golfing buddies keep nagging him to go online. Meanwhile, Millennial and 22-year-old Tiffany thinks the world is her oyster. Men from 20 to 70 want to date her so she must check her inbox at least six times a day and keep a spreadsheet of suitors.
Ethan (AKA “NoDesperado”) eventually gives in and starts an ihookup account. Upon eyeing “KittyCutie” (AKA Tiffany) winking at him from the screen, he messages her, “Hey.” Yada, yada. Before you can say Vanilla Latte, Ethan and Tiffany are at Starbucks on Robertson and Beverly.
Photo: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images
Ethan thinks Tiffany’s name should be Gabby since she chatters away incessantly about why Coachella is so “basic” now, how her BFF Madison is so much drama and why she told her frenemy Jenn to go on Tinder (because she thinks it’s an epic fail.)
He broods, “Is this as good as it gets? Maybe I should’ve stuck with Marge even though she’d be 39 now.”
Ethan’s espresso is bitter, his laundry must get done, he’s late on his taxes. Blah Blah. Ethan starts getting acute onset depression (the kind his therapist warns him about) as Tiffany drones on about how too many men want to “slide into the DMs” on ihookup.
Still, Ethan feigns the active listening skills he learned from his sales training classes on the fading hope that this may just kinda sorta possibly maybe work out. After all, she is kinda cute when she texts with her long hot pink and green hair swaying over the phone.
Suddenly, Tiffany breaks through his fog with “I know! Why don’t we go to the Hello Kitty Exhibit at the Japanese American Museum? All my friends say I can get serious swag there.” Hello Kitty? Marge never mentioned a cat. On the ever-dwindling chance that he can stomach Tiffany, he agrees.
“Hello! Exploring the Supercute World of Hello Kitty.”
No – that’s not her talking. It’s the actual name of the exhibit. He’s hurting now.
Just as Ethan’s thinking about ditching Tiffany at the plastic coin purse room, she mentions nearby Bestia. Starving, Ethan decides to keep the thing going for now.
Suddenly, his acute onset depression lifts. Chicken liver crostino, served within minutes of ordering, calms him. Oven roasted snap peas, piping hot from the oven, make him feel like he visited LACMA, not Hello Kitty. Each dish, served at the speed of a NASCAR pit stop, raises his endorphins. Finally, at the first bite of his spaghetti with sea urchin, Ethan suddenly feels like it’s 1:00am at the bar and he’s wearing his beer goggles (no, wine glasses.) He has to see Tiffany again. And he has to do it SOON.
Ethan asks Tiffany if she’d like to go out again and she bites, “That’d be awesome!!!” He decides to call her the next morning, though he envisions Trent from Swingers advising against it. They plan their next date, with Ethan exclaiming, “OK. See you tomorrow nite, 7pm, Bestia!”
THE END
PS – If you want to see the real skinny on Bestia, check out my photos below and savor the review by LA Food Reviewer Jonathan Gold.
Chicken Liver Crostino {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Oven Roasted Snap Peas {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Little Gems {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Octopus & Calamari {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Spaghetti, Sea Urchin, Garlic, Squid Ink {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Spiced Pork with Charred Escarole {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}
Creamsicle Torte {Photo: Diane Wagner for DeathbedFood®}