Inspired by the release of Melissa Clark’s guacamole recipe in The New York Times, the resultant Guacamolegate scandal and President Obama’s veto of peas in guacamole.
The President and the Peas
ONCE upon a time there was a President who was shocked that The New York Times, of all publications, wanted to add peas to guacamole. He ordered his staff to tweet his outrage, thereby vetoing pea-guac and creating Guacamolegate.
Now obsessed with guacamole, the President wanted to order it; but the real deal with onions, garlic and hot peppers. He sent his staff scurrying to search all over, but nowhere could they find what he wanted, the dip without peas. There were guacamoles enough, but it was difficult to find the kind not polluted by peas. There was always something about them that was not as it should be: garden peas, dried peas, snow peas or snap peas. Even worse, previously frozen peas.
That evening a terrible storm came on; there was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. The President was craving guacamole which he ordered be ordered in. But only if it did not include the lame legume. No such guacamole could be found. Suddenly a buzzer from the front gates sounded. The Secret Service answered to find out who was there.
It was a disheveled young man with purple streaked hair and a spider tattoo on his neck. The kid claimed he had a special delivery of pea-free guacamole from Jose Andres’ Mexican restaurant across town, Oyamel. The man presented a letter, signed by Jose Andres, stating the pea-free guacamole was sent as a service to America. A duty, he said, now that he had just became an American citizen.
“Well, we’ll soon find that out,” thought the President. But he said nothing, went into the kitchen, cleared off the kitchen island and laid the guacamole, uncovered, upon the granite countertop; then he took twenty lemons and squeezed them onto the guac.
On this counter the guacamole had to sit all night so that the dip could have time to break down, thereby revealing any potentially hidden peas. Luckily, peas take much longer to decompose than any other ingredient in the recipe. In the morning the dip was inspected for any sign of pea infestation.
The President tasted the deteriorated dip. “Victory!” said he. Heaven only knows what was in the guacamole, but there were certainly no peas.
Nobody but this President could be as sensitive as that. So the President took Jose Andres for his Personal Chef, for now he knew that Jose had a real guacamole recipe, and ordered an avocado tree orchid be planted on the White House front lawn.
There, that is a probably what’s going on in the White House right now, as the President creates his own scandal, Peagate.