How Cheese, ROCKSTAR and Sriracha Can Help
This winter, America’s Dairyland, Wisconsin, is using mozzarella cheese to de-ice its roads. Makes sense as Cheeseheads have long lobbied for industrial cheese usage. Meantime, rock salt has been the de-icer of choice. If cheese and salt can help motorists in cold climates, are there food fixes for us Angelenos? Yup!
Even though we don’t have ice on our roadways, there is something equally menacing to our car culture: potholes. So pressing to citizens, the promise of fixing potholes helped recent Mayor Villaraigosa win office with his pledge to be the Pothole King of Los Angeles.
We can take a play out of Wisconsin’s playbook. Let’s use cheese as a filler! Unlike Wisconsin, we’d use a soft cheese like brie or camembert to ensure full coverage and be more in line with our state’s self-annoited sophisticated palate landscape. The 70-and-sunny weather would harden that brie faster than a car with no traffic on the 405. No way traditional asphalt could compete.
It’s a common cooking technique to use wine for tenderizing meat. We could use a beverage to break down cheese: ROCKSTAR. Though its smell is rank, Hollywood types would march on Olympic and other pothole-lined streets, fantasizing about avoiding $2,500 bills to replace their uber-custom tricked-out 26″ matte black spoke rims. Holding signs with “It’s The End of The Road For Potholes,” national and viral news would erupt.
Another solution, one with a far more pleasant odor, is Sriracha – though it may cause global political unrest and foodie uproar.
Sriracha’s schizo spicing is an excellent breakdown agent. However, that same spicing caused residents near the Sriracha factory in our nearby Irwindale to file smell complaints for health issues like heartburn, aggravated asthma and nosebleeds according to the LA Times. Government officials have ordered a partial shutdown, mandating the company cease any operations causing the odors. The immense news coverage alone may cause officials to veto the idea immediately.
Forget the recent government shutdown. This one created widespread concern about supply. Sriracha filling will spawn a serious shortage. With each lost production day, supplies are threatened – especially with growing demand in Asia. Prices will go up. There will be runs on the condiment as people stockpile. The top 1% may even build Sriracha rooms next to their wine cellars. An Occupy Sriracha movement may unfold.
My prediction? Wisconsin Cheeseheads and California auto repair shops will be happy. Foodies not so much.