Sara Lee Demotes Digital Twin To Digital Spam

Open Email Follow Ups With Sara

May 15
Dear Sara:  It’s been a month since I applied. I’m still excited to be considered for the Assistant Editor position at your incredible food blog, TheScrumptilicious. I’m short on a few qualifications but I think our bond is what counts, don’t you? We’re both MBAs, crazy about food and Asian American (well, I’m Caucasian Asian). Plus, I’m your Digital Twin. Remember when you said that on LinkedIn?

On Facebook, you said, “Don’t worry. I’ll get back to all who applied. Please be patient and eat something happy and healthy like kale and kiwi.”  I’m impatient and craving a pint of gelato.  How much longer before you get back?  Sincerely, Diane Wagner

May 25
Hi Sara. You got my resume, didn’t you?  I’ll send another right away. Please look for it.  Thanks,  Diane

July 5
Hi Sara.  I hope you had a nice 4^th.  Saw on Facebook that you & your sisters barbecued? Bet you’ll get back to everyone now that it’s been 3 months?  Thanks! Diane

July 10
Hi Sara. If you think I’m your Digital Twin, why haven’t you called? Just back from THE GROVE and got a TORY BURCH bag, TIFFANY silver bangle, KATE SPADE pumps and LOUIS VUITTON wallet (bought it for good luck since it’s called ‘The Sarah Wallet’).  You’re pushing me over the edge into the dreaded retail therapy.

Please get back to me.  Thanks. Your Digital Twin (oh, it’s Diane)

 

July 15
Dear Sara: Since the spending spree, I needed crazy MAHA yoga with that insane instructor dude.  All he does is yell poses over pounding rock music in that sauna. Torture but I’m going to post a pic as I haven’t been this fit in awhile. Lower healthcare costs and fewer sick days might boost my chances with you? – D.

July 23
Hello Sara.  I saw the Thai dinner bowl on Pinterest. Nice. Haven’t heard from you in almost four months.  Any news?  Tx! DW

July 23
Hi Sara.  My boss at CVS fired me for spending too much time on Twitter. Didn’t he know I was working on a life-changing career move? At least he’s 1 more follower. Might help my chances?  Best, Diane

July 27
Hi Sara.  Saw you posted your dog Tulip on Instagram with the caption “HOT dog.” Cute. I’m confused though. Haven’t heard in almost 4 months – a third of a year. Please get back to me.  Warmly, Diane

July 30
Hi Sara. Guess what? I got a Chihuahua from the rescue shelter – Jasmine. She wants to meet Tulip.  If you hire me, they can play all day while we work.  All our best, Diane and Jasmine

July 31
Hello Sara.  I see you Checked In at MOZZA. I love MOZZA but hate being ignored. Do you know it’s been almost 4 months? Can you get back to me about my resume?  Regards, Diane

August 1
Hi Sara. Can I at least get a freaking rejection letter? It’s been four months. You said I was your Digital Twin. I thought we had something special. Do me a favor? Tell me why I wasn’t enough for you?  Always, Diane

August 2
Sara:  Go ahead, make my day. Block me on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. De-friend me on Facebook, LinkedIn and FourSquare. My email goes straight to Spam, right?  I was your Digital Twin, not Digital Spam.  Does this mean we won’t be moving forward? Would it kill you to tweet me for closure? You could even do it in code:

• “@DeathbedFood #Kiwi #rancid, #Kale #rotten”
• “@DeathbedFood Yes, Digital Twin –> Spam”
• “@DeathbedFood #DigitalSpam #NeverTweetMeAgain #RestrainingOrderNext”

PS – I lied about getting a dog. I got “Jasmine” off Chihuahua Daily on Facebook.